Who are you?
I had an experience recently when a friendship concluded because it had run its course. It was a friendship that started many years ago, and that wasn’t based on equality. It had become clear to me that if I chose to stay in the relationship, the implicit agreements that we entered into when we became friends needed to change so that the relationship could be life-enhancing for both of us. We chose not to continue the friendship.
I saw Brené Brown being interviewed a few years ago when she was promoting her book Braving the Wilderness. She said :
“And so for me, I know who I am, I’m clear about that and I’m not going to negotiate that with you. I will negotiate a contract with you, I will negotiate maybe even a topic with you, but I’m not going to negotiate who I am with you. Because then, I may fit in for you, but I no longer belong to myself. And that is a betrayal I’m not willing to do anymore.
I’m not willing to betray myself anymore to fit in with you, I just can’t do it.”
Most of us have been conditioned to look for our sense of Self in other people. What they think of us becomes more important than who we know ourselves to be. Even if it means staying in relationships with people who only accept certain parts of who we are.
But when chasing that approval becomes our guide, rather than our values, we grow increasingly out of integrity with ourselves.
Sometimes we need to let go of people and relationships, not only because it’s the best thing for ourselves, but also for the other person(s) involved.
As I watched the Brené Brown interview again, it struck me that the pain I had been experiencing after this friendship break-up was not simply about not having that person in my life anymore, the stories we shared, or the familiarity that had disappeared. It was also about saying goodbye to a version of myself.
I wonder if you’ve had that experience: you know that the situation is for the best and you still feel sad, disappointed, even heart-broken, and like you are going through a grieving process?
At the other end of that journey is knowing who you are in all your brilliance and all your imperfection - and no longer being willing to negotiate who you are with someone else. It’s a place where you choose to be in relationships that are supportive of mutual boundaries, so that you can delight in each other’s company and growth.
Are you ready to dig a little deeper and look at the relationships that you are currently in? Here are some questions you might like to use:
How do you currently try to fit into boxes of other people’s making?
Which relationships are you in right now that are no longer aligned with the person that you are today?
Which boundaries do you need to communicate to get back in alignment?
Which (implicit) agreements are you no longer willing to uphold? Which ones do you need to bring into the light?
Drop me a line, I’d love to know how you get on with this enquiry.