Letting go or letting in?

What most people mean when they talk about “letting go” is that it’s time to let go of what you are hanging onto. I’m not necessarily talking about the worst thing that has ever happened to you, or a traumatic (series of) event(s), or a recent loss of somebody important to you – although you might feel it’s time for that.

People can hang on for years to that time their parent blamed them for something their sibling did when they were a kid, or any other old resentments, stories or grudges.

However, what most people mean when they talk about letting go, is that they don’t actually want to spend too much time – or any more time – feeling the pain of “the thing”. Saying “let it go” is often practiced as a form of self-denial or an act of emotional or spiritual bypassing. After all – or so the logic goes – if you focus on attracting positivity in your life, you won’t have to deal with “the thing”.

I would invite you to consider a different perspective: try letting it in.

Try first to fully live with it before trying to let it go.

Here are a couple of suggestions you might want to try:

1/ Get curious

When you are ruminating, and endlessly replaying scenarios in your head, you can get stuck and go into a spiral of fear and loathing with no end in sight. You can attach your self-worth, even your identity, to the object of your obsession.

Get curious and ask yourself:

·       What is really underneath?

·       Why am I giving my power to this “thing”?

·       Which basic need is not being met right now?

·       What is working for me, that keeps me tethered to this “thing”?

·       What old coping mechanism is at work here that no longer serves me?

2/ Sitting with

There’s nothing to do, but simply sit with the feelings.

When you look at complex emotions and feelings, start with the first piece that you feel ready to BE with.

Most people have learned to describe their feelings by saying “I am”.

We say “I am sad”, or “I am angry”. But feelings are not the same as identity.

As long as you sense that you are your feelings, you can also believe your inner critic when it tells you that you are a bad, all-round unworthy person. And you know that is simply not the truth, and not the path to self-compassion (or compassion for anyone else).

Do you feel different when you simply acknowledge the feelings as they arise? Saying for example: “I have feelings of sadness and anger”?

It might take you a while to identify the feelings you are experiencing but it is worth doing this exercise. Sitting with feelings is hardly ever as terrible as we imagine it to be when we run away from them.

-

If the thought of any of this is too overwhelming, seek help from a qualified professional. There are wonderful, competent and kind therapists who will be able to guide you along your journey.

I would love to hear your experience with these practices.